Monday, October 7, 2013

Still Not Fitting In



Feelings...sometimes they get the hell in my way.  Like today.  Today they are the hell in my way and I just want to go home and spill my guts to the hubs and pray a lot (alone...where I can focus) and maybe cry (a little - still not very good at that), but of course I can't...cause I'm at work...which is the source of my feelings right now.

Sigh.

See...last week I was in San Francisco (yes Sherry we KNOW...you keep going on and on about it) where I was in my element with regard to my chosen career and where my abilities just...fit.  The folks in San Fran respect my knowledge and experience and I'm treated like the professional that I am.  It feels good.  You know how it feels when you've been on a really long plane or car ride and you finally get an opportunity to get out and stretch?  Yeah...that's how it feels when I'm on the west coast.  Like I can stretch.  Like I can breathe.

Then I come back to this office where I work for a boss who has control issues, is passive aggressive and is threatened by my experience.  There is no role clarity here.  No room to stretch.  It makes me sad.  She pays lip service to my requests for more responsibility and more room to grow, but easily falls back into the order giver/order taker form of management and you can bet on which side I reside.  Plus, she becomes resentful when she finds out how much I've accomplished while in the west and how much more they'd like me to do.

We've had many conversations about how I fit into this world.  Many promises have been made.  But old habits are hard to break and much of her management style was instilled in her in a very young age.  I have to love her where she is rather than where I'd like her to be.  She is who she is and I'm not going to change that fact.  I'm either going to have to wait for things to shift and change around here (it's banking...it will happen) or I'm going to have to make something happen.

I wish God would throw me a brick - preferably upside the head so I don't miss it - because I'm really not sure where I'm supposed to go with this.  Do I stay and hope for better things to come?  Do I actively seek other roles within the company?  Outside the company? This was a lot easier when I was drinking.  Then I would just do my job and focus on the evening when I could go home drink away the feelings.

Now I have to deal with them.  Crap.

Lord why is this career shit so hard and why can't I just sit back, shut the fuck up and do my job rather than wanting to do my career?

Namaste (I guess)

13 comments:

  1. All this grown up shit. Pain isn't it. Now I really don't know what I want to be when I grow up still I'm only 51 so time to figure it out yet ...

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    1. Yeah...if only I knew now as much as I knew at 35!

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  2. I had an awful boss last year at this time. I really ramped up my drinking because of how much work sucked. So now I get to thank him since I never would have gotten sober if things hadn't been so all around awful. Are you looking for other opportunities? The sign is coming. :) I'll pray too since I'm getting into this spiritual stuff. :) :) :)

    Namaste yes!

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    1. She's not really awful - she's done a lot for me. It is what it is.

      Thanks Amy!

      Sherry

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  3. I love you baby...keep the faith and I know that this will all work out...

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  4. I feel like I often live with such a fragile balance of feeling good and capable and confident.....and then one wrong tone of voice, facial expression, comment and it all can be pulled into question! I am right there with you the past couple days. Hang in there. I find it interesting that you feel so comfortable on the West Coast....San Francisco is my old stomping grounds. I think that's quite the statement....S.F. is a major, huge environment to feel capable and comfortable in. That says a lot about who you are and your confidence level Sherry. Really....you must be one bad ass woman. : ) If your boss is threatened by you, its probably rightly so and its her problem to work through. You can feel free to tell her I said so too. <3

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    1. Bad ass...HA!

      Thanks my friend. You have no idea how much this cheered me up.

      Sherry

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  5. You need change, go for change, start moving toward change, talking around and about about change, make it happen, you are in the driving seat, you've been talking about this dis satisfactory work situation for a long time, time for change. You can do it!

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    1. You're right...I do need to make something happen.

      This is why I blog - you guys are the BEST.

      Sherry

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  6. I think it's natural that we want the change to come to us, rather than vice versa. Or that is just me at least...lol. And when you get that West Coast vibe and love, it's hard to come back to where you feel your wings are clipped. Perhaps there is something to this all, yes? you've done all the meetings, etc. and it's clear she is not moving. So who does that leave who *can* move and make things happen? Hmmmmm....lol.

    Work has always been a source of resentment, and yeah, I have had to deal with a lot of stuff sober. Ugh. The great thing about work, actually, is that I get to practice all my things - boundaries, saying "no", assertiveness, etc. it's my practice grounds. Then i get to use those victories (and defeats) and their lessons and take them in other parts of my life.

    You might be getting a sign or signs and perhaps aren't seeing them, or they are right in front of your face :) For me, praying is when I talk to The Big Dude, and when I meditate, is when I listen to Him. Meditation, even 5-10 min, is often where I get a nudging of some kind, or some sort of hint, or an intuitive thought. Not always, and I don't force it...but I just sit. And listen.

    Anyway, I hope that things move for you, in one way or another. Change in any way is still good, can't it be? Or not. ugh. this is a tough one :)

    Love and light,
    Paul

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    1. Listen...hmmm....now THERE's a thought!

      Thanks for the reminder Paul. I don't think I've been doing enough of that lately.

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  7. But if we make the move, without the brick upside our head, well, then we have to blame ourselves if if doesn't work out, right? It's that free will thing, Sugar, you have to make the choice, and you really don't want that to be taken away from you. We know you have financial obligations, you've got kids, so maybe you can't just walk out but....can you start building something else? Something you'll have control over? Something that lights your fire? And still keep your job until you can move on? Hmmm...this sounds eerily familiar to me, seems like someone wrote the same to me awhile back. Wonder who that was? BTW, I followed her advice and it worked.

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    1. I hate it when my words come back to bite me in the ass. :-)

      Maybe I will follow the advice of the woman who followed the advice of someone.

      You rock my friend. Thank you.

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