Monday, October 7, 2013
Still Not Fitting In
Feelings...sometimes they get the hell in my way. Like today. Today they are the hell in my way and I just want to go home and spill my guts to the hubs and pray a lot (alone...where I can focus) and maybe cry (a little - still not very good at that), but of course I can't...cause I'm at work...which is the source of my feelings right now.
See...last week I was in San Francisco (yes Sherry we KNOW...you keep going on and on about it) where I was in my element with regard to my chosen career and where my abilities just...fit. The folks in San Fran respect my knowledge and experience and I'm treated like the professional that I am. It feels good. You know how it feels when you've been on a really long plane or car ride and you finally get an opportunity to get out and stretch? Yeah...that's how it feels when I'm on the west coast. Like I can stretch. Like I can breathe.
Then I come back to this office where I work for a boss who has control issues, is passive aggressive and is threatened by my experience. There is no role clarity here. No room to stretch. It makes me sad. She pays lip service to my requests for more responsibility and more room to grow, but easily falls back into the order giver/order taker form of management and you can bet on which side I reside. Plus, she becomes resentful when she finds out how much I've accomplished while in the west and how much more they'd like me to do.
We've had many conversations about how I fit into this world. Many promises have been made. But old habits are hard to break and much of her management style was instilled in her in a very young age. I have to love her where she is rather than where I'd like her to be. She is who she is and I'm not going to change that fact. I'm either going to have to wait for things to shift and change around here (it's banking...it will happen) or I'm going to have to make something happen.
I wish God would throw me a brick - preferably upside the head so I don't miss it - because I'm really not sure where I'm supposed to go with this. Do I stay and hope for better things to come? Do I actively seek other roles within the company? Outside the company? This was a lot easier when I was drinking. Then I would just do my job and focus on the evening when I could go home drink away the feelings.
Now I have to deal with them. Crap.
Lord why is this career shit so hard and why can't I just sit back, shut the fuck up and do my job rather than wanting to do my career?
Namaste (I guess)