The last couple of days I've been feeling disconnected and disjointed. I can't seem to quiet my thoughts and when I meditate, I don't perceive any light...only darkness. Back before my drinking when haywire and then kids were little, I used to meditate on a regular basis. Then I was filled with light and love and I could feel my heart expand and release all that positive energy.
Now? Not so much.
I've been trying to figure out how to get the light back. So far I haven't had much success but I think I may have a hint. My blogging world friend, Riversurfer, discussed the idea of being vulnerable and letting others into your heart in her post today. (It's a great blog. If you haven't read it you should.) This got me thinking that maybe this is why I'm not feeling the light and love.
Look, it's not exactly a state secret that I sealed my heart a long time ago. I've written about it many times. Children from dysfunctional homes often do that at a very young age to keep from being hurt. As a result, I reach out to find fulfillment, doing everything for others in hopes that they'll like me and want me around, when I should really be reaching within to find that fullness and then let it radiate out to others. What better way to help others than to be a source of love and peace to them?
Sounds good right?
Now...how the hell do I get that done?
I guess that's the next step in the recovery process. Learning to trust. To open a heart that's been closed most of my life and realize that if I don't risk the pain, I'll never know the joy. If I don't open it - the light and love and kindness and peace can't get in and if it can't get in, it can't begin to heal the hurt.
Anyone got a crowbar I can borrow?
Namaste
Open Hearts Break Easily
Fright is instinctive fear, designed to protect us from physical danger.
Worry is fear produced by our worst imaginings.
Guilt is fear caused by a troubled conscience.
Insecurity is fear prompted by feelings of inadequacy.
Dread is fear generated by life’s fundamental uncertainty.
I have also come to recognize three distinct kinds of courage, defined, in this case, according to their objective.
Worry is fear produced by our worst imaginings.
Guilt is fear caused by a troubled conscience.
Insecurity is fear prompted by feelings of inadequacy.
Dread is fear generated by life’s fundamental uncertainty.
I have also come to recognize three distinct kinds of courage, defined, in this case, according to their objective.
We require:
The Courage to Act–because performing is a gutsy thing to do.
The Courage to Love–because open hearts break easily.
The Courage to Be–because, all by itself, life can be frightening.
~Ralph Acosta
Great blog.
ReplyDeleteYea, this is a great issue for me, learning to trust, to find it in myself to let go and to just trust people... I have my few but very close friends with whom I now am working on this trust issue. Particularily one who struggles with her alcohol problems is excellent to work with, as she isn't 100 percent trustworthy. That means that I want and will trust her completely, but also learn to let go when she perhaps fails herself (or how to express it). I want to be her friend for better or for worse, and she wants to be my friend. We are, by accepting all our faults.
ReplyDeleteLove is the key, I have found. Loving and accepting love. It seems the more I love the more love is projected at me. All I need to do is to let go... leave my bitterness and suspisions at side. Not to dwell in the past, to relax, not to pretend to be something I am not. I'm not as strong as I thought, then I MUST show my limitations. I am not happy smiley all the time, then I will not pretend to be happy smiley.
I love this newfound state... to just [be]. And to remember that I am good enough ;-)
Oh dear... end of rambling, I hope you got any of the above hahaa Lots of love to you and thank you for sharing this marvellous post!
Be patient with yourself. It has taken me a long time to get there....baby steps my friend.
ReplyDelete