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| I love Ru Paul. |
I was driving to work this morning thinking about drag queens. (Now there's a sentence you don't hear everyday.) Specifically, I was thinking about an old friend who was our bartender and, on the side, performed in a drag queen act. I loved that guy.
Anyway, that brought me back to a time in my life when things were vastly different than they are now. I was in my early twenties, the hubs and I were doing the mating dance that people do when they are young, and I was the most obnoxious person I knew.
Of course, I didn't recognize it then. I thought I was the shit. You know? All that and a bag of chips? I was successful at a very young age and thought I could run with the big dogs. I would spout my opinion like it was the most important thing in the world and, because I was so young, everyone would listen.
Little did I know they were secretly chuckling and shaking their heads. "Isn't she amusing?" "Boy has she got a lot to learn!" Ugh. Every time I look back and think about it I cringe. I wish I could go back and change it. I regret acting that way.
But this morning I started thinking...why am I still holding on to crap that happened 30 years ago? Why am I still letting it take up real estate in my head? Why am I still beating myself up?
Why indeed?
In reality, I didn't act any differently than these kids I see everyday at work. At that age, a little success goes directly to your head and, since you have no life experience from which to draw, you can easily show your ass on a regular basis. Sometimes you run into people who are amused or who will take you under their wing and give you some much needed grooming and advice. Sometimes you don't. You run into people who get in your face and tell you exactly what they think of you and they are not kind about it. I likely learned more from the latter than I did from the former, but I have also rented them space in my head for 30 years.
It's time they were evicted.
I realized this morning that I need to let all of that go. That even if I was more obnoxious than anyone else on the planet, 30 years is enough penance. I can't go back and change the events and I wouldn't be who I am today if they had happened differently. Let. It. Go.
I realize that there are those reading who are thinking, "Oh my God girl! Are you STILL thinking about that old stuff? You have to let it go?" Those are also the people who can drink normally and have likely not been drunk since the 90's (if ever). They know that the past is the past and you can't go back and change it so you might as well move the hell forward before it...oh...I don't know...let's your monster take control of your life?
I am not one of those people. Recovery has made me realize and learn and grow so this is all new. I am trying very hard and mostly succeeding. Revelations like this and posts like this are part of this process and I love it.
Let. It. Go.
Okay...I will.
Namaste
It IS part of the process Sherry; I'm so relieved you're willing to suit up, show up, and write WHATEVER IS ON YOUR MIND or whatever needs to be let go - after all, duhh, its your blog.
ReplyDeleteBUT,,,
Darlin, you're still doing "it"
Those last few sentences , an inserted disclaimer of an almost apology.
STOP IT :)
Last evening my sixteen year old and I were watching "Intervention" - allow me to back up - this summer she got into a WHOLE lot of trouble drinking as a minor. I mean police involvement etc... I couldn't have wished for it to play out any other way. She is disgusted with drinking, the trouble it causes, and the pure waste of time. She sat on the bench quite a bit last night at the VB game and on the way home she shared with us that she believes it still has to do with her poor choices this summer. (btw, she was hoping her coach would never find out - but I scheduled a mtg , the three of us at a coffee shop prior to VB starting so she could put it all out there and own her mistakes - that's another story - omg, so sorry to take up so much space all the time here)
SO, what I am getting at, my point,, dontchaknow, is that this led me immediately to my wasted life at her age and the following years I "attempted" college. omg, I was a fish out of water and one major F-up,...
And ya, it really brought me down for a while there until I did the self-talk much as you have written out here. And fast forward a few decades,,, I'm ok ,, no, I'm fabulous with who I am today.
Things like this crop up now and again and there's the chance to keep it bottled up (yet again) or vent about it and hopefully move a little further along. At first I bristled at the idea that I hadn't grown emotionally in all the years I drank, but I do feel it's more true than not. I know I didn't deal with some very painful things that happened in the last few years of my drinking. And I can now, so I try to in small doses and I do think it's getting better (fingers crossed for both of us).
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting to me because Nicole's diaries were FULL of entries about things that happened in high school. WTH? High school? She wrote about it during her 20's, then her 30's. Then she died. She kept all her yearbooks.
ReplyDeleteI want to yell at her now and I can't.
Everything that happened then got you to where you are now, and look at where you are now! So don't begrudge anything that happened before. I don't. I don't regret a single thing because it's all led me to this place. xxxx
ReplyDelete