Random Thoughts on This Time of Year

What is it about this time of year that leaves normies and addicts both with their panties (or boxers) in a wad?  We're supposed to be all Peace on Earth and instead we're all get-out-of-my-fucking-way-I-need-that-toy-for-my-kid.  Why do we take what is supposed to be about love and caring and turn it into a shit storm of agony and angst?

I have no idea but I do have some thoughts....

I don't give a fat rat's ass how you greet me this time of year...just that you do.  If you're Jewish wish me Happy Hannukah.  African American?  Joyous Kwanzaa (if you celebrate Kwanzaa).  Plain old Christian?  Merry Christmas always works.  And if you're conflicted just say Happy Holidays.  They're all just a way of saying get-out-of-my-fucking-way-I-need-that-toy-for-my-kid so who cares?  Just kidding.  They are all a way to say, "I care about you".  Let's not take ourselves so seriously okay?

I am well aware that my ample ass and my sugar levels are not in need of Christmas cookies.  I am also aware that I like them and I therefore will be baking them so put that in your Christmas pipe and smoke it.  They will not be vegan, or gluten free, or sugar free.  There will be no carob or agave or stevia used in my cookies.  I will be baking the plain old chocolate chip or oatmeal raisin with the occasionally Snickerdoodle thrown into the mix (as well as Monkey Bread...can't forget the Monkey Bread...my grandchildren would kill me) and those funny little peanut butter things with the Hershey's Kiss or miniature Reese's Cup smooshed down on top.  I will not be stressing about making the most recent Pinterest concoction that looks like Santa's sleigh and all nine reindeer complete with presents and Rudolph's red nose that sings to you and tastes like Heaven has melted in your mouth.  Pinterest does enough to make me feel inadequate the rest of the year, I don't need it kicking my ass at Christmas.

There will not be bows on my packages...get over it.  I hate those little fuckers that come in the bag, are all squished and bent and refuse to stay stuck on my gifts no matter how much freaking tape I use to stick them there!  There was a time that all my wrapping paper, bows, tags and ribbon were all coordinated.  Bows stayed stuck, ribbon slipped elegantly from packages when being opened and names were clearly visible on each tag.  Then I had children.  Now I use Dollar Store ribbon and write on the self-sticking tag with the nearest Sharpie (so it won't get erased) no matter what color it is.  Guess what...NO ONE CARES!  If they are kids they're too busy tearing into the damn thing to notice the freaking paper and if they're adults they're thinking, "Who the hell is she trying to impress?"  I love you.  I bought you a gift.  I did wrap it even if it's not perfect.  We cool? 

I will be watching "It's A Wonderful Life" this Christmas Eve like I do every Christmas Eve.  I will cry.  It's sappy...so WHAT?  It has sentiment.  I like sentiment.  This is the time of year when a Publix commercial can make me cry (it's a grocery store) not to mention Hallmark and Budweiser...don't even get me started on THOSE.  I'll also cry when Frosty melts and when Linus gives his speech and when Bing unwraps his knight on a horse.  Then I'll laugh at the Griswolds and Ralphie and that little dog that loves the Grinch in spite of the fact that he starts out a real asshole.  It's part of tradition and if you don't like that stuff it's okay too!  But I do so back the hell off.

And I will put cookies and milk out for Santa.  Because he still comes to our house.

Because we BELIEVE.

Namaste

One Job

Headed off to NY tomorrow to do an event...just like last year.  Except last year I was there all week - this time its just 24 hours.  Fine by me.  Travel gets old after a while and I've been doing it for the last 20 years.  It's officially old.

Last year's trip was a blast because it was my first time in NY at Christmastime.  My two coworkers and I had such a great time!  I did have a...um...pause...which inspired this post.  That got me thinking about some of you who may be struggling and I decided that I'd like to add my two cents to the whole "Holiday Survival Guide" thing.

I mean really...what self-respecting recovering alcoholic doesn't have some advice to get through this time and what kind of self-respecting recovering alcoholic would I be if I didn't share?

Now say that last sentence three times fast.

Just kidding.

First of all, if you're newly sober (and hell, maybe even if you're not), this is going to suck in ways you've never imagined.  This is going to suck so bad your ancestors will feel it.  But here's the thing - it's OKAY.  Anything worth having takes WORK and sobriety is so worth having!!!  Know that no matter how bad your feeling and how badly you want that drink...it will pass.  I promise.  It will pass.  And when it does...you will still be sober.

Next, be sure to take care of yourself and your sobriety FIRST.  Announce it to your family/friends if necessary.

"Look people, nothing matters more to me right now than staying sober so I'm putting you on notice, I come first!  If I'm not here it means I'm taking care of me.  If I don't answer my phone it means I don't want to talk you because you annoy me and that might trigger me so leave me a message.  If I don't return a text right away it means I'm doing something good for myself like taking a bubble bath, getting a massage or eating chocolate.  Get over yourself.  Right now, it IS all about me."

Seriously, if you don't put this first and foremost in your life, you're no good to anyone else.  You don't HAVE to do anything.  I promise that Christmas will still come and the planet will still keep turning if you don't get around to wrapping all your gifts before the 13th, or making Aunt Betty's pumpkin souffle that takes forty gadzillion hours and 23 steps not to mention 37 different ingredients.  If it's stressing you out then forget about it.  You can do it all next year.

(And before you say anything, you are not special when it comes to this kind of thing.  We all have those special things we're supposed to do and ridiculous expectations put on us this time of year.  So what.  Just say no.)

Now I'm sure you're probably worried about the holiday parties, saying no to the booze and/or not having a good time.  I mean really...how in the world can you be expected to have a good time if you can't drink?

So let's do this.  Let's just all agree that you are NOT going to have a good time at any of these parties this year.  Remember that part when I said this would suck?  Yeah well this is that part.  It sucks (at first) to be the sober one at the party.  It also pisses you off.  Why can't I drink if he can?  Well you can't.  Plain and simple.  So stay home and throw a hissy fit (I've thrown one or ten or fifty in my sober life).  Or go and throw one.  Or go and sit in a corner and pout.  If other people don't like it...then fuck them.

YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB...TO STAY SOBER NO MATTER WHAT!!!

Go to the party and eat yourself stupid if you have to...which brings me to my next point.  Fuck calories.  If you are newly sober or if the holiday's are a particularly difficult time for you, give yourself a fucking break and eat the goddamn cookies!  Or fudge, or mac and cheese or bacon or WHATEVER!  Just eat it!!!!  You deserve it!  You're sober when no one else is!  This eating thing will pass eventually and you'll get your life back on track, don't worry.  It's temporary and, for a lot of us, necessary to our sobriety.

If you go to the parties (or family get togethers or whatever) I want you to take a moment and look around.  Watch how everyone else is drinking.  Sure, some people are getting shit-faced (and you'll either feel sorry for them or you'll be disgusted by them...most likely you'll just be glad it's not you this year), but many, many others are not.  They are sipping their drinks.  They'll have one, maybe two and be done.  While you are looking longingly at their drinks I want you to remember THAT YOU CAN NOT DRINK LIKE THIS.  So don't even try.  Remember, one job - stay sober...that's it.  NO MATTER WHAT!!!

Now to the good part.  At the end of every night this holiday season (with the exception of Christmas Eve if you have little ones) you can go to bed early.  You can put on your warmest PJ's and snuggle up under your blankets, read a little (and comprehend/remember what you're reading) or maybe watch a little TV.  Have some hot tea, or maybe some hot chocolate with real whipped cream (after you've squirted some in your mouth right from the can).  Then you can drift off to dreamland only to wake refreshed the next day and ready for whatever the day might bring.

One job...that's all you have this holiday season.  ONE JOB.

You can handle that can't you?  Yep...you sure as hell can.

Namaste