Monday, September 24, 2012
#1 twin (B) is back at school today. Breathing treatments and antibiotics and chest pounding will continue for another ten days or so, but other than that...things are back to normal.
We're still dealing with the toll that stress takes on your body and psyche after a crisis has been resolved. While most of my family is just happy everyone is home, B and I are struggling, just a little, to get our mojo back. The hubs is, as usual, the rock around this place. His easy, laid back personality allows him to live in the moment and while he is not immune to the stress this situation has caused, he won't be weighed down by it now that it's passed. I envy that.
The oldest at home and #2 twin are also "live in the moment" kind of people. They both care and were impacted, but they're just happy everyone is back home now.
B, on the other hand, has had a couple of meltdowns since coming home. He has revealed how scared he was before we got him to the hospital. He actually thought he was going to die. The night before we went to the doctor and then to the ER, he said the rosary because he was so frightened. He said he told his dad on Wednesday that he wanted to go back to the doctor but that the hubs asked him to give the medicine a chance to work. His interpretation of that was that the hubs didn't want to take him because we are uninsured right now (new job insurance doesn't kick in until 10/1).
I wondered why he kept texting and asking me when I'd be home AND kept saying things like, "I just wish I could go to Urgent Care or the ER and they could suck all this out of me." I interpreted that as, "I want this to be over," instead of "I think I'm dying and I'm really scared." If I had heard the latter I would have scooped him up (okay...helped him to the car) immediately and taken him to the doctor which would have given us a 24 hour jump start on getting him well.
So now he's processing all of that. I explained to him that he's grown and needs to let us know when something like that is happening...whether it be an illness, trouble with school, drinking, financial or whatever. That unless he speaks up, we can't know and we can't help. I also explained that feeling a sense of let down and depression is very common after a hospital stay and that it should go away within a couple of days.
I wish I could take my own advice.
I feel like I've been pulled through a knot hole. I'm feeling terrible about not listening to my intuition that told me to leave work on Wednesday and get him to a doctor. I'm completely wrung out emotionally from worry about whether or not he was going to be okay. I'm still not caught up on the sleep I lost both at home prior to him being in the hospital and then at the hospital, since I stayed with him the whole time (I only left to go home and shower...don't judge). To say I'm a little wobbly today would likely be an understatement.
I am in unfamiliar territory here people.
Allow me to clarify. I am no stranger to stress and drama. A very large part of my life has been spent in hospitals and dealing with medical goings on. Stress and I have been dance partners since I was a little kid so we are well acquainted. It's how to deal with it in recovery that is unfamiliar to me.
Up until 2 1/2 years ago, I dealt with stress and drama in one of two ways. First I stuffed it down - which resulted in my hair falling (alopecia aeota) and later clinical depression. When it was clear that this way was killing me, I began to process through the stress by talking to my shrink...the hubs. Now, in order to get peace and quiet while I processed, we had to leave the house. And where did we go when we left the house? Why to a bar of course! So while that worked as well, it also fed my monster for many years.
Now? Hmmmm.... I'm not sure. I tried to talk to the hubs about the way I was feeling but I don't think I was getting through. This may or may not have been because I was still a little angry about the way he dismissed my intuition which may or may not have created a little defensiveness in him. I want an apology damnit...and so does B.
Then again...I also may or may not have been looking for somewhere to place the blame because I felt like shit about myself and the hubs wasn't having any of it.
I started really thinking about it today and I realized that this is the first time since I've been sober that we've had a real crisis. It came fast and furious and left me totally unprepared for its aftermath. I handled the situation just fine (I always do...I'm the one you want in a crisis), but now?
Wobbly, weepy and worried.
And I don't even know if that's normal. I just know it's how I'm feeling right now. And I know I'm sober and I got through this crisis without even a nod to alcohol and for that I am proud.